


Painful Smile

by QueenOfNewOrleans22



Series: The Silent Cries [6]
Category: Guns N' Roses
Genre: Angst, M/M, Mild Fluff., Physical Abuse, hidden love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-14
Updated: 2020-07-14
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:40:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25251019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueenOfNewOrleans22/pseuds/QueenOfNewOrleans22
Summary: Duff thinks about the situation that he's found himself in after Izzy is kicked out.
Relationships: Axl Rose/Slash | Saul Hudson, Duff Mckagan & Slash | Saul Hudson
Series: The Silent Cries [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1823191
Comments: 2
Kudos: 11





	Painful Smile

The room was dark. 

Duff couldn't see much besides the faint light trickling in from beneath the curtains, which were swaying slightly because the window was cracked open to provide some air. The television was on but all that was playing was static, a mess of grey and black and white, providing a low persistent noise. The noise was comforting, in a way, because despite the body pressed up against his, Duff felt so alone now that Izzy was gone. Steven, and yeah, his drug addiction had gotten out of control, but he didn't deserve to have been tossed to the curb and neither did Izzy, who had packed his bags and left for home just a few days prior to the one that found Duff sitting in bed, resting again the headboard, considering the fact that two of the original four, if you didn't count the ones that had been added on in the recent years, were gone, and he could deal with that, _maybe,_ except the whole thing that first catapulted them into this mess in the first place was still going on and if Duff was a braver man, he would've done something, but there he was, feeling lost and hopeless and so, so guilty even though, logically, it wasn't his fault. 

He may not be the one at the heart of the problem, but there was a contributing factor, wasn't there? Duff had let it go on for far too long and now they were in a barrel that was rolling downhill. There was no stopping until they hit a tree, and even then, would they be able to get out? Were they stuck here on this perpetual ride forever and ever until the inevitable? 

Maybe, possibly, Duff could get them out of this. Whether it be by force or otherwise, he might be able to get out of this hell that their lives had become. But would Slash agree to follow? Or would he refuse to under the grounds that he was still too attached to Axl, despite all the things that had happened? Duff was determined not to leave Slash to deal with this alone, because nobody else knew about what had been going on, and even if they did, Duff didn't trust them to do a single thing about it. He was the only person who could do a damn thing about this, and make sure that Axl couldn't hurt Slash ever again, not while he could help it. Duff would try anything in his power to fix this problem, no matter what, it was just a matter of how he was going to go about it. There were many ways to go about it, but there was only a few that had the possibility to go right. 

" _When I look into your eyes, I can see a love restrained, but darlin' when I hold you, don't you know I feel the same."_ Slash whispered, so quietly that Duff almost didn't hear it, and he looked down at where the guitarist was, facing away but his face, still visible, was carefully neutral, as if he was desperately keeping his emotions locked away, safe from view. "What?" Duff said, momentarily confused. He was tired and wasn't entirely sure if his brain was even working properly at that moment. Slash sniffed, "Axl said he wrote that lyric for me." He explained in a low, soft tone. Duff stiffened slightly, but then nodded, accepting that there were so many things that he wasn't even aware of and keeping the surprise away from his voice. "Okay." He said, though he wasn't sure if he was talking to himself or Slash, wasn't sure if there was a proper thing to reply with when you learned so many things that all held the impact of a meteor in terms down of a few years. 

Duff knew from the tone of Slash's voice that he wouldn't leave willingly, not yet. There was still love, an attachment, even though Slash knew that what was happening was wrong on so many levels that words couldn't even begin to describe it. How somebody could stay with a person like that was beyond Duff's level of comprehension, but he knew that he'd never been in the position that Slash had been in for years, and that it was impossible to truly know what was going on in his head. Duff hadn't asked, knowing that it was tough enough already. Or maybe it was because he couldn't bear to hear what Slash would say, his heart already hurting with the weight of it all. "God, I'm so stupid." Slash groaned, placing his hand over his face as if this could hide from from the world. This terrible, cruel world. Duff placed his hand lightly on Slash's chest, feeling each reassuring beat, rapid and persistent and beautiful. Life in its purest form. "No, you're not. Don't say that." Duff replied, hating this whole situation and wishing that he could do anything to change it, reverse the hurt and pain and fear. He wanted to go back in time and notice it sooner, to have not ignored the first sign, to have been smarter and braver and not have stood by while his best friend was being hurt. 

Duff dug his nails into the palms of his hands, warning himself not to dig deep into that or otherwise at the guilt would become too much and he wouldn't be able to get himself out of it. He needed to keep his head clear and thoughts free of the oppressive guilt. 

"He doesn't love me, does he?" Slash said a moment later as he placed his hand over Duff's own, his skin cold as ice. Duff frowned, "That's not my place to say." He replied, even though he knew perfectly well that Axl didn't love Slash, or, at least, not in the way that most people loved. Not in the way that Duff loved Slash, in a way that couldn't be said but he felt with every best of his heart and each breathe to his lungs, the kind that made you do anything for the other person, if only to get a smile in response. 

Duff hadn't seen Slash smile in weeks.

' _We need to leave.'_

The sun was just beginning to peak up over the horizon. Duff wished that it could just stay night forever, because there were no obligations, no need to do anything but hope for a better tomorrow. At the same time, he ordered himself to stop thinking about that because Slash had enough problems without adding this hopeless love to it. There was enough stress on his shoulders without adding that to the mix. 

"Try and sleep a little more. You've got enough bags under your eyes to pack for a week-long vacation." Duff hoped that the joke would work it's magic, and, sure enough, Slash's lips twitched up at the corners in an attempt at a smile. Despite the weakness of it, Duff thought that it counted as a win. "I'll be here when you wake up." 

Duff resisted the urge to add that he'd always be there. Come hell or high water, if Slash ever needed him, Duff would be damned before he missed the call. When Slash decided to finally leave once and for all, Duff would be there. 

Even now, in hell, Duff was there, and would stay until they were both ready to leave. 

' _No matter what, whenever you need me.'_ Duff was very aware that he was practically head over heels and unable to say what he truly felt, but tried not to dwell on it too much. Maybe later, but for now, it could wait. Slash curled almost automatically into Duff's chest, which had happened before, yes, but something about it felt different this time, and it reminded Duff, yet again, of the horrible secret. "Thanks, Duffy, you're a lifesaver." 

Duff didn't reply, just pressed a chaste kiss to Slash's forehead and thought- ' _You already saved mine.'_


End file.
